Just let me fall and get hurt. This wound should close the very moment i’ll learn to take chances, to take a leap, to gamble and play all my chips without fearing that going all in will hunt me for ever. Any evidence of attention, any small gesture for this game it’s eating me up from the inside. It’s eating me up because I’m playing this game and I know every move in my brain and it’s not called chaos even if you think this way.
Actually there is a chaos. A constant chaos given by the fear of not losing all my chips and going all in. But it’s not OK.
It’s not OK for me, because every gesture that you make cripples every inch of my soul. It’s not OK for you because whatever happens you’ll regret losing me. And you don’t have to lose me. I have to agree with the idea that whatever happens I need to be OK with one thing and without it I wouldn’t be fine.
With me, with you, with all the little things that are invading our private life. I really need this time to think, to not get hurt because I’m killing every living cell of my brain thinking about you. And you’re not helping at all. You’re messing with my head as if this is a game and you really need to win it.
Why would you do such a thing? Instead you should let me let go. Besides being something, I need to be the better man. To accept the consequences of my actions and keep walking. Otherwise, the constant thought which speed through my mind whenever I hear or see you’re name would break every ounce of self-esteem that I had for myself.
You’re not going to lose me. I’m just backing away from this all in game hoping that I will be alright. I feel that I’m the end of the line, edge of the sheet, bottom of the stack and I can feel the cold wood that I’m always hitting.
So at least leave me alone. Let me be fine with it and don’t pretend that nothing happened and we’re all fine with it. Don’t do this. Don’t try to play with me and screw with my brain. It’ll only make me feel worse whilst you are thinking that I’m fine.
Ambition was always our both drivethrough but in this case someone has to give up. And for my sake and mental sanity I have to be that guy. Whether you like it or not. I’m sure that in a way you’ll understand the reasons behind this.
I’m sure that in a way I’ll look as the bad guy but this is for the best. And right now it’s all I’ve got and I don’t have any aces left in my sleeve to explain but I’m surely going to get in the game next time.